How not to get Murdered in an English Village

British mysteries are some of my favorite reading, no matter what my mood, I adore the village settings, the very English personalities, and often eccentric characters. It probably comes as no surprise that I also enjoy some of the broadcast British mysteries – whether it’s Miss Marple or Midsommer Murders – there’s always a bucolic English village with quaint thatched cottages, the local pub, and countless cups of tea served in cozy tea rooms.

But don’t get too comfortable, as there is always, always a murder or two (or three!). These murders range from the genteel – stabbed by knitting needles in Miss Marple, to secret poisonings on Vera – to the very, very bloody killings in Badger’s Drift (I’m looking at you Midsommer Murders!)

The other night, as Husband and I finished a watching a murder mystery set in a wonderful little village, we said to each other – wow if we are ever in such an English village – we’ll have to be really quite careful.

Then, I remembered this essay from 2020 which made me laugh…I’ll post it now and in a later post will share some of my favorite British mysteries in both written and televised form.

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Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village

by Maureen Johnson

It’s happened. You’ve finally taken that dream trip to England. You have seen Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, and Hyde Park. You rode in a London cab and walked all over the Tower of London. Now you’ve decided to leave the hustle and bustle of the city and stretch your legs in the verdant countryside of these green and pleasant lands. You’ve seen all the shows. You know what to expect. You’ll drink a pint in the sunny courtyard of a local pub. You’ll wander down charming alleyways between stone cottages. Residents will tip their flat caps at you as they bicycle along cobblestone streets. It will be idyllic.

Unless you end up in an English Murder Village. It’s easy enough to do. You may not know you are in a Murder Village, as they look like all other villages. So when you visit Womble Hollow or Shrimpling or Pickles-in-the-Woods or Nasty Bottom or Wombat-on-Sea or wherever you are going, you must have a plan. Below is a list of sensible precautions you can take on any trip to an English village. Follow them and you may just live.

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PLACES TO AVOID

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The village fête

The village fête is a fair, a celebration on the village green. They toss coconuts, judge cakes, drink tea, and whack toy rats with mallets. It’s a nice way to spend a summer’s day and thin out the local population, because where there is a fête, there is murder. If you enter a town while the fête is happening, you are already dead. The tea urn is filled with poison. The sponge cakes are full of glass. There’s an axe in the fortune telling tent. The coconuts are bombs. It’s like the Hunger Games, but dangerous.

Anywhere with a vat

In English villages, vats only exist for drowning people—in beer, in pickling brine, in whiskey, in jam. This is doubly true if the vat was built by 14th century monks. If anyone offers to show you a vat, say you need to get something from your car, then start the engine and run them over. The police understand this sort of thing. Tell them about the vat.

Places with gargoyles or statuary

Ghosts and monsters of stone. They are there to kill you.

The village church

The vicar will find your body if you venture here.

The village shop

They sell cheese, stamps, tea, and death.

The stables

How do you prefer to go: pitchforked, or stomped to death by a two-thousand-pound animal? Spoiler: it will be both.

Canopy beds

They have snakes in them.

Kitchens

No.

Attics

Join the ghosts up there, why don’t you.

Higher floors

Stay low. They can’t throw you off the balcony if you never go up the stairs.

The stairs

They are the xylophones of death.

Lower floors

Marble busts fall down, not up.

Basements

They don’t even have to dig a hole to put you in.

Bathtubs

You’re better than this.

Wells

Full of the skeletons of Victorian children and, if you are unwise, you.

The pond

Just remove water as a category.

The village green

Also land.

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PEOPLE TO AVOID

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The vicar

See previous note about the village church. When you see the vicar, run. If you are not dead yet, the vicar is obliged to kill you.

The newest resident in town

They don’t know the Old Ways yet and refuse to learn. They want to open up a Coolspa in that twee Grade Two-listed thatched cottage. They’re talking to you because no one else will talk to them. They’ll be a popsicle soon enough. Shun.

Anyone who leaves a voice mail

Do not leave voice mails if you are in a murder mystery town. It means you Know Something. Don’t leave them. Don’t hang around people who do.

Anyone who looks out windows and sees things

Obviously.

The town doctor

The doctor has been up in everyone’s business and must die, along with anyone foolish enough to pay them a visit. You don’t need a doctor. You have the internet.

The local historian

They’ve just been looking through some old papers and found something very interesting. They’re just going to answer that knock on the door before telling the rest of the town what they found. If the historian tries to show you something, you punch them right in their dumb research-loving face and flee.

The impoverished aristocrat

Things are not great at the manor house. They’ve had to sell the lesser Turners and the staff is down to seven. They just found out what a microwave is and they are not happy about it. The poor aristocrat has just enough money to be a target and plenty of entitled rage. They are either the target of the falling bust or the one who plans on pushing it. Eat the rich.

The gardener

Their roses are perfect because of all the people under them.

The amateur astronomer

They like to go out alone at night to a remote location with a big looking-tube to look. Draw a circle around every word in that sentence that means “no”.

Birdwatchers

Birds are related to dinosaurs. Did you know that? And like the dinosaur, the birdwatcher will soon be extinct because looking.

Train enthusiasts

“Why, yes, this carriage is from the 1984 stock and has thirty seats. It used to come in from London, Waterloo Station but when they redid the tracks in 1998, why I’ll show you right here is where they connected the two, this rail right here…oh no there goes my head.”

The thespian

They quote Shakespeare in public, to children.

Anyone with a lot of bees

Oh, you walk around dressed like a fencing ghost and raise eighty thousand little killing machines? Good to meet you.

Visiting mystery novelists

You’ll make nice story meat.

The loner with a stick

This person appears in town and wanders around, laughing into a bucket and saying things like, “Aye know what ye did, ye old salty doorknob!” They will be found dead soon enough, possibly covered in bees.

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PEOPLE AND PLACES THAT ARE GENERALLY SAFE

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The pub

No one would defile the pub.

Anyone with a dog

Stick with the dogs. Dogs are angels and protect us from everything and we don’t deserve them.

You have now been warned….

Maureen Johnson is the author of the Truly Devious mystery series, which culminates with The Hand on the Wall (Katherine Tegen Books/HarperCollins; January 21, 2020).

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Daily life is a bit different…

So, I have new knee! Yup, early last week I had a total knee replacement. I’d been putting it off for far too long. It was only during our recent trip, when I could hardly hobble over the cobblestones, and had to wait in a cafe while Husband went exploring. It was then I made my decision to finally have it done. We have too many trips in our future and all involve walking.

I’ve known about this surgery since September and have my moods have varied between angst, anticipation, worry, hope, dread and pure fright. You see, I’ve never had an operation before, let alone been in a hospital. (I know!)

In the end, It went really well. I was extremely well taken care of, all the nurses and doctors were kind, understanding, and comforting~~and as to the actual surgery – I remember nothing. And, I was home that same afternoon. So, all that pre-surgery worry and emotions was for nothing – a waste ~~ will I learn from this? Probably not.

I must admit the first three days were the worst, but here I am on Day 5 and every day is getting easier. To explain the title of this post — daily life has been reduced to exercises, walking around with walker, visits from the physical therapist, icing the knee, light meal, read, sleep – and repeat. Big shout out to Husband (and my favorite cabana boy) – coaching me with my exercises, preparing all the meals, fetching an afghan here, my book over there. He’s applied his Eagle Scout training to my care and rehab — to the point he sets his alarm to give me my meds exactly on schedule (at the sometimes ungodly 4am). He’s totally rocking the ‘for better or worse” vow. Getting choked up just writing about it – love that guy.

But enough of this about me – I want to talk about something else – not a book, per se, but another PBS Masterpiece series (bravo PBS!).

This series is based on the mystery novel of the same name written by Robert Thorogood . I’ve never read this book even though it has been on my to be read list. But,during the days leading up to the aforementioned surgery, I needed a good distraction so decided to watch it anyway.

The series is based in the village of Marlow* in (of course) England, and stars one of my favorite actresses, Samantha Bond who plays a former archaeologist Judith Potts. Judith unexpectedly comes across a murder in her very back yard when she overhears her neighbor being shot.

Initially, the police brush her off but when she successfully recovers the missing body, they launch a full police investigation, warning Judith to not get involved. Well, you know where this is going, Judith however immediately starts digging around , enlisting the help of dog-walker Suze, and the Vicar’s wife, Becks along the way.

Each of these women are keen to solve the murder and bring some excitement to their lives. Each has their own wonderful skills which they bring into the sleuthing. Suze being a dog walker, goes unnoticed as long as she has a dog at her side. Becks, the Vicar’s wife, is welcome into private homes and is privy to all sorts of tantalizing gossip and key clues.

This sleuthing trio soon uncovers another two dead bodies and realize that a serial killer is at large in Marlow. But what connects the three victims and how is it that the prime suspect in each instance always had the perfect alibi? With so much to figure out Judith, Suze, and Becks have their work cut out for them but if anyone can do it it’s the newly appointed Marlow Murder Club.

This is a extremely well done production (again bravo PBS) with beautiful local settings and lavish sets. I really enjoyed the multi-layered mystery, as our sleuthing trio tries to tackle a nearly impossible mystery. The story line develops across the four episodes — as one murder soon turns nto three and we get to dive into the past, as well as the present to find out how it was pulled off.

A great watch from start to finish, the casting is just great, the writing sharp and fun. The Marlow Murder Club is an homage to the golden age crime era with a touch of modern spunk.

Here’s the trailer~~

And here’s a bonus story — on a business trip in the late 1990’s, I was fortunate to stay at the hotel featured in the PBS series ~~

It’s The Compleate Angler in Marlow – a magical hotel with all the amenities one could ever want. (For me it was tea and scones room delivery – sigh). The hotel is named after the1653 literary nature classic by Izaak Walton. I hated to leave – but of course, there were those pesky business meetings I had to attend. Someday I’ll go back and never leave – except to go on long walks along the river with my new knee!

Here’s the book and a sequel, if you’re interested – available at your local library, of course. I may stick to PBS as they are reportedly filming a second series based on the sequel.

Two Good Films

During my bout with COVID, I watched a couple of old films – well not that old, but not recent. And yes, I had seen them both before, but they once again were absorbing and a couple of scenes still choked me up. I didn’t plan it this way, but both dealt with very similar themes.

Dead Poets Society

A new English teacher, John Keating (played by the late Robin Williams), is introduced to an all-boys preparatory school that is known for its ancient traditions and high standards. He uses unorthodox methods to reach out to his students, who face enormous pressures from their parents and the school. With Keating’s help, students Neil Perry (Robert Sean Leonard), Todd Anderson (Ethan Hawke) and others learn to break out of their shells, pursue their dreams and seize the day.

Favorite quote: Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

Neil Perry’s performance as Puck in a school production of A Midsummer Nights Dream, is just magical and his fate afterwards is simply heartbreaking.

Mona Lisa Smile

Katherine Watson (Julia Roberts) is a recent UCLA graduate hired to teach art history at the prestigious all-female Wellesley College, in 1953. Determined to confront the outdated mores of society and the institution that embraces them, Katherine inspires her traditional students including Betty (Kirsten Dunst) and Joan (Julia Stiles) to challenge the lives they are expected to lead.

This is a female variant of Dead Poets Society and I found it lacking a little. Strangely, Julia Roberts is outshone by the acting of her students. But, again well worth re-watching.

Yes, folks I was sick and not up to much intellectual challenge, but if you come across either of them – even if you’ve seen them before – give them a try.

Fabulous Fjords

Sorry for the delay, are you ready to hear about our trip? If so, keep reading

If not – totally understand – skip this post. There will be books to tell you about over the next days.

We started with a few days in Edinburgh to acclimate to the time change before sailing. Had a lovely B&B run by a great couple who had lots of ideas and served the most incredible breakfast. It rained off and on but we went out anyway with no schedule or agenda – hopped on a bus and stumbled into old town, wandered around, discovered a hidden garden, and had tea in a little tea room.

Sorry we didn’t take many photos as the weather was so dreary. When it came time for our departure, we discovered our ship left from a dock just near where the Britannia is docked – so we dashed over and took a tour. The Britannia was the Queen’s favorite place to relax and many important events were held there. It felt very comfortable and relaxed. I would have been most happy guest – had I ever been invited aboard.

As we finished the tour of the Britannia, we got a good view of our ship ~~The Star Legend. It’s a smaller cruise ship carrying only 200 passengers. Note second photo is a publicity photo from Windstar ~~ as I wanted to show it’s a very pretty ship.

Here’s a map of our cruise itinerary. Such a wonderful trip, which went by all too swiftly.

I created a very amateur video with the photo highlights. Full disclosure, we are not very good at remembering to take photos – we tend to go exploring and forget all about taking pictures.

Photos range from our very nice ship’s cabin, to the tiny Norwegian towns, the amazing fjords, waterfalls – lots of waterfalls, a train trip up into the hills, and ends up in Copenhagen, where we spent our last night touring Tivoli Gardens, after the crowds had left, and with wonderful lights.

To play this very amateur video ~~ Click HERE

Fear not, we’re still barmy about books here. Between this trip and the recent bout with COVID, I have a stack of recent reads to tell you about. Be back soon.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I know, it’s been a long while and I have lots to tell you…

There was a once in lifetime trip – involving this lovely ship

And beautiful fjords, in sometimes dicey weather

Full admission, I stole that photo from the internet and I am not up to going through all our photos right now….

Why, you may ask?

Two days after arriving home I came down with COVID – I successfully dodged it up until now…getting all and every vaccination and booster.

Then, this morning Husband came down with it too. We are very rarely sick at the same time, always one to take care of the other – not this time.

We are a pitiful sight – endless cups of tea, sounds of coughing from separate bedrooms, protecting our separate dishes, tissue boxes everywhere, and all the over the counter cough and pain relievers we could find from our medicine chest. However, as one dear friend pointed out, it’s good thing we didn’t come down with this while traveling ~~ always a silver living.

On the way home from picking up our Paxlovid* – we stopped at our favorite neighborhood restaurant and got enough varied Chinese dishes to last us three or four days. Why is it when you’re sick, Chinese seems the only cure?

Sorry to say, there will be an recovery interval before I am back to myself and eager to tell you all about everything. It was indeed a trip of a lifetime, and yes, there were books which I read on the trip and now during this illness.

But for right now, my only trip is to repair to my chambers with more tea, a book – and yet another nap.

In case you haven’t ascertained – I am a lousy sick person.

*while effective, turns out to be a wretched drug – giving a variety of unwelcome side effects and a constant horrid taste in your mouth.

A trip downtown

We don’t go downtown much anymore – since the pandemic and our own little neighborhood sprouting with good cafes, shops, bakeries and the farmer’s market on Sundays – there’s no reason. However, we updated some legal documents and needed to sign them in person at our lawyer’s office – you guessed it – downtown. So we dug out our transit cards and hopped on our public transport.

Husband had a great idea – lunch at Tadich Grill – a very special place, and located right on the cable car line – it’s the real San Francisco treat.

You see, Tadich’s opened in 1849, and is the oldest running restaurant in California.

Now, I know you folks on the East Coast and Europe undoubtedly have much older places, I’m thinking of Durgan Park in Boston and almost any pub in the UK – but for us this is a piece of history.

I used to work right across the street (see brown building to the right above) and many a time I would join co-workers and grab seats at the counter. And, if I remember, martinis were involved – it was the 80’s.

But this day Husband and I got a proper table, right in the window, with fresh starched table linen.

Many of the waiters have been there forever and they wear long starched aprons and range from fun to surly. All part of the experience.

Tadich’s has had never closed since their opening, but had to shut down during Covid for 55 weeks and, like so many other eating establishments, many of us feared it might not re-open.

I am happy to report it is back and bustling.

I never take photos of our food when out eating (we put phones away) but because this was the first time we’d been here since it was closed down, I decided to make an exception — everyone else was. Tadich’s is known for its seafood – so we both had fish – locally caught and very very good. I think it’s all in the butter sauces.

If you’re coming to San Francisco, this is a must – and happy to say — reservations recommended